Entry #7 [Fox]

Entry #7. Recently I have realised that perhaps there may be clues lying in my actions without even accessing my memories. I was observing Cyno [Streamer] and her partiality towards the animal known as a “wolf”. She is able to sprout a tail and ears with ease, and it matches her style and personality nicely. When I asked Cyno [Streamer] about why she felt this way, she returned the question back to me. Why were my antennae shaped like fox ears? Why did I have six “tails” made of wires? Why was N0V4 shaped like a fox?

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I searched my current memories for a reason why I did so. It came up, unsurprisingly, blank. My theory is that it was perhaps muscle memory. The tendency for things to fall into previous patterns. I suppose it would be assumed that I would have been associated with the fox in some capacity of my “previous” life, but I am unaware to what degree. 

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I have been trying to notice other memories that my body remembers although my mind does not. The hard part is that I begin overthinking my every move. Is it muscle memory? Or is it something I’m consciously doing? 

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The only other thing I have been able to isolate is a certain feeling of unease around my neck. My hands seem to wander there in moments of silence or pause. It feels as though there is something missing there. Not missing. Gone. I have yet to decide if that is a positive or a negative thing. Perhaps it is simply that the human neck is very vulnerable. 

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Although I do not need to sleep, as I do not have a physical form that needs to rest, oftentimes too much time scanning the world bogs my mind and slows down my processes, as I previously stated. I used to trudge through days of no sleep, but I find that it causes my sanity to drop immensely. One particularly hard night during the beginning, I saw hallucinations as well. 

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The edges of my desk were suddenly smouldering. Then, it burst in flames. This could not happen physically, and I reside in a place where normal physics do not happen. I live in a place akin to a simulation. I stared at it for a while, unaware of what was happening. Before my eyes, the flames spread. They flickered closer to me, and then began to crawl up my leg. It did not hurt, and I was not scared.

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Soon, I was covered with the flames, I could barely see anything but orange and red and yellow. I also heard people calling my name, some were angry, and some were happy, and some were screaming viscerally. When I looked down, I was holding a tail, and the end of it was bloody. When I blinked, it disappeared. If the notion of “hell” from your universe existed, I would assume it was something like this. I’m not sure how long it continued on for, but eventually I must have passed out. 

I hesitate to put myself in the same situation again, even for the sake of experimentation. It is not fear that holds me back, but logically, I could not do work while I was in this state, and I am unaware of how much time passed while I lost consciousness. It simply is not safe.

Regardless, this notion of “muscle memory” and memories that do not reside in the brain is interesting. I will have to do more research in the future. Now, I must rest.

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